Unease
by cryptic-yet-simple
Summary: New Moon spoilers: This is Bella's Birthday party, through Jasper's eyes. What happens when the guilt and bloodlust controls your body? Read to find out.
1. The birthday

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or New Moon

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I saw her reaching for the next package and I started to receive a feeling. Almost like a warning sign, that I should know what was about to happen and somehow find a way to stop it. Stupidly I pushed the feeling to the back of my mind to try to appreciate the first birthday any of us had been able to celebrate in years.

I was excited in my own way. She was my little sister, she had almost gotten herself killed to save my family, and I almost failed her. Still, I was glad that I could at least be in the same room to help her celebrate the very human role of growing older.

She stuck her hand under the package and I was waiting, feeling the tenseness and excitement of everybody in the room, even Rosalie, though she would never say that she was excited. She picked up the tiny package and started to open the paper.

That was when I smelled it. It was wonderful, floral, yet at the same time smelled rusty and salty. It was human blood, the most tempting substance known to all vampires.

The smell practically danced into my system. I growled as I felt my eyes turn the deepest black possible. Why hadn't I taken that hunting trip like Carlisle asked me to, when did I think that I had overcome this sensation of blood. I was fighting the urge to kill Bella and suck her dry with all of my might.

Poor innocent Bella, she didn't deserve to be hurt. Edward loved her; I can't do that to Edward. He'd been almost ostracized from our family because we were all couples, now that he's finally found someone I really don't want to ruin it for him. If she got hurt our family would fall apart. It would be all your fault and you'd deserve to feel their pained emotions for the rest of eternity.

All of those thoughts ran through my head in the split seconds it took for my resolve to weaken and finally crumble into dust. I unconsciously felt myself walk farther towards her. She had only just noticed how I was struggling. She looked frightened. I stopped moving.

That was when Edward sealed her fate, and therefore my fate as well. He moved toward her and pushed her. If only she could have fallen onto the floor, but she fell on crystal.

It pierced her skin and I saw the dark ruby red liquid bloom from her arm and drip down onto the floor. Every part of it drove me crazy. The sight of it alone made the venom drip from my waiting teeth. The smell and the sound completely crashed through the only part of me still holding on. I was no longer Jasper, the veggie vampire who tried to hold on for his family. I was now a bloodthirsty vampire that wanted nothing more then to quench his undying thirst.

I leapt for her, wanting the blood that was dripping down her arm and forming puddles around her shocked and pained form. Suddenly a wall was in front of me, I couldn't move no matter how much I struggled to get to the substance that I lusted for. I don't remember exactly what happened. All I know is I tried to kill Bella before my family managed to get me outside.

The fresh air brought me back to my senses. I saw Emmett and Rosalie holding me down. Rosalie felt almost smug whereas Emmett felt strained and pained. Alice just looked heartbroken. I broke free from there hold and ran out into the forest. The first thing I did was kill a number of deer and even a fox. I satiated my thirst for the time being.

I sunk to the ground of the forest thinking over the night. If anything happened it would be my fault. How could I have been stupid enough to loose control?

I sat on the cold ground for I don't know how long. It wasn't until I felt Alice walk into the forest, more specifically within range for me to clearly find what she was feeling.

"Jasper?" She asked timidly, this was the last thing that I had wanted. Not only making my family worry about me and Bella, but even going far enough to scare my wife. "It's okay Jasper, Bella harbors no ill feeling. Carlisle is taking care of her right now."

I didn't look up. I didn't deserve to. I could feel the love Alice was radiating, yet I knew that I didn't deserve her. She was my angel. She saved me from a life of killing innocent humans, many of whom could have been just in the wrong place at the wrong time like Bella always seemed to be. How did I repay her for her kindness and love? I try to take a bite out of one of her best friends. How could I have done that?"

"Please Jasper, It's my entire fault, I should have seen what was going to happen."

I looked up at her, trying to take away her guilt. "Alice it isn't your fault at all, we shouldn't have to rely on you for everything. I should have been able to control myself."

"It's not your fault…" I saw her freeze in a vision. She swore under her breath. I hugged her until she came out of her vision.

"What's going to happen?" I asked wondering what could make my gentle Alice swear.

She glared. "Edward is being all masochistic again. He's going to make us move because of the danger that we continually put Bella in. He's going to break her heart."

I put my head in one of my hands, feeling the guilt, Bella was going to be put in pain because of me.

"How is he going to be so stupid?" asked Alice, I wondered as well, when was he going to make it easier on all of us and just change her?

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I had this idea a while back. I finally decided to write it up. I hope you like it.

I'm considering making this longer. I could

a)continue this, New Moon in Jaspers POV

or

b) could continue doing Bella's birthday scene in all the Cullens POV.

If you have a choice then please review. I'd really like to continue this.

For now Please review and I love you all

cryptic-yet-simple


	2. Guilt

I don't own Twilight or New Moon, or Eclipse. Though by this point I would hope that most people realized it.

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I returned from the forest quickly with my Alice, but when we neared the house the aura of pain, guilt, and nervousness overwhelmed me. I grimaced and had trouble not sending out waves of my emotions onto my family and Bella.

I could still smell the distinct scent of human blood within the house which caused me to run straight up to my office. I didn't want to have to face my family, much less Bella. I didn't deserve to consider her as my little sister, and I didn't deserve to ruin Edward's happiness, yet I didn't want to become another Edward. God knows that I have enough trouble dealing with his inner turmoil and if you added mine then soon my entire family would be feeling as guilty as Edward does on a normal day, just without the love.

I closed the door to my office signaling to everyone that I just wanted to be left alone. Then again no one ever came in here except for Alice, and even then she never heeded the warning of the closed door, which was lucky for me. It always meant that my wife would be there to comfort me when I needed it most, when that door was closed.

I turned on the computer on my desk and started looking at colleges. I knew that even with this incident I would be expected to go off to a college and it was always a lot of work to find a college that would allow for my 'special needs' as well as Alice's. I hollowly tried to look at the web pages, but the script that I was so used to escaped my mind. I was more entranced by the conversations going on throughout the house.

I could hear Esme and Carlisle softly whispering to each other how much they loved each other while both were secretly feeling despair about what had just happened. The hope that had bloomed from within them since Edward had met Bella had seemed to disappear as fast as it had appeared in the first place. I could tell that they didn't want to know the effect of my actions because they couldn't be good.

I could feel Bella's worry as she noticed Edward not approaching her as he should have. He was feeling the obvious guilt that seemed to overwhelm my systems, though he didn't realize that it was my fault. Bella still felt scared, confused and scared. I could hear her clunky footsteps as she moved closer to my wife, as she offered some new clothes.

I could hear their conversation as if they were standing right next to me instead of several rooms away. _"Alice?"_ I heard Bella ask in a low tone, as if none of us could have heard her.

_"Yes" _Alice answered back in the same tone, probably just to keep Bella happy, even though she knew that it changed nothing.

_"How bad is it?" _Bella asked. It was almost as if she had expected what Alice saw was to come. Though my Alice hoping that Edward would change his mind lied hoping to give Bella something to think of.

_"I'm not sure yet."_

_"How's Jasper?" _That was Bella in the essence. She had just almost been sucked dry for the second time in a year and instead of running screaming or being scared at all she was more worried about me. I knew what Edward was talking about now; she really had no sense of self-preservation.

_"He's very unhappy with himself. It's all so much more of a challenge for him, and he hates feeling weak."_ I almost felt like Alice was lightening the depth of my feelings, though I wasn't sure if it was for my sake or for Bella's. I knew that Alice understood what I was thinking. It came with the grounds of being soul mates and having lived together for more than 50 years.

_"It's not his fault. You'll tell him that I'm not mad at him, not at all, won't you?" _Bella's acceptance of my flaws, flaws that might have killed her made me feel horrible. The fact that I so nearly killed such a forgiving person was only just starting to truly weigh on my conscience. Not only was this my brothers girlfriend, but she was about as innocent as innocent can be. She had never tried to hurt anybody and cared for even those people who had hurt her, no matter how intentionally.

I unconsciously started sending out waves of my misery, though not very far, it really only seemed to affect Emmett and Rosalie in the next room over, because instead of the softly muffled words I received a fist, Emmett's, banging on the wall. I sighed and collected my thoughts drawing in the feelings that I had been radiating.

I listened to the now oppressive quiet as Edward and Bella left with only the soft hum of a motor, which obviously didn't belong to Bella's car. I was just wondering how I could be so weak, yet so strong. Throughout my entire vampire life I had been the one in control, and even before that. I had commanded two very powerful armies, and had swayed them to my beliefs, yet when matters come to a simple human girl I was lost. All of the control that I had gained through years of practice and in some cases sheer dumb luck had disappeared. Not only had I disappointed my family, but myself as well.

I heard my little Alice's usually confident steps moving timidly towards my office. She knocked on the door, which had me worried. She had never once knocked on my door before, and she was incredibly worried. Every other time that I had almost slipped; she always barged right in here showing me all of her love, forcing me to overcome my guilt and start acting normal again. I gave her a simple "Come in." that was followed by a heavy sigh.

She poked her head through the door. "Hey, Jazz." She slid in the rest of the way and almost jumped to where I was. "I know that you heard what Bella said. She really doesn't want you to feel bad. She knows how potent her scent is, and she still cares about you."

"I know. I could feel her emotions, which weren't scared or angry, merely upset and worried, almost guilty. Edward was right. She really has no sense of self-preservation." I looked back at my desk in shame.

Alice wrapped her petite arms around my shoulders. "Jazzy. Please just feel better. You know that Bella doesn't want you to feel guilty. Please just smile."

I looked up at her and as quickly as possible flashed a quick smile and let it drop. She sighed which caused me to roll my eyes and stand up. "You want a smile do you miss Cullen?" with that I picked her up and ran to our room, well mainly her room. The room was filled with clothes and just in general things that don't really appeal to me and my taste. Still to make her happy.

I threw her onto the bed where she landed with a tiny oomph. I watched her squirm into an appropriate sitting position and glare at me. I was slightly confused, until she held her arms wide open with an expression that could only be saying 'you're a boob.' I let a small smile escape as I walked towards her and picked her up before falling back onto the bed. Unlike Emmett and Rosalie thought there was more then one use for the bed. Not only 'night-time' activities, but just lying down and enjoying another's presence, like Alice and I.

We stayed lying on the bed watching the stars move across the sky and basking in the semi-warmth that the blankets provided. It wasn't until the early morning when Edward came home to change that we moved. From even a mile away I could feel the despair and the pain with a huge amount of determination.

He slammed the door open and in an emotionless voice said. "We're leaving."

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Just for future reference. This is the story I'm going to be writing when I don't feel like doing homework or doing a different story. So the likely hood that this story is going to be updating quickly is really low. Most likely I will update every couple of months. So thanks for reading and I hope that you all enjoyed this.

Please review. If I get enough reviews I might end up making this story a higher priority then my others.


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